Change

The day after my last post, I went on the most amazing blind date of my life.  My roommate set me up with her friend Paul.  We went bowling- which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE- had frozen yogurt, and watched a movie.  Needless to say, by the end of the night we were cuddling on my couch watching a movie, I almost didn't want him to leave.  We saw each other everyday after that.  A few days after our first date, we officially started dating.  I began falling in love with him more and more everyday.  (Gag me with a spoon, that's so cheesy! but like seriously, that's how it is.) I even thought that I might marry this kid.  He really helped me learn a lot about the atonement, and helped my testimony to grow. 

Then Tuesday, I started having doubts when something just didn't feel right between us.  Wednesday morning I went to the temple still feeling very conflicted.  As I walked through the doors, it was if I left all the stress of it outside, and walked into a blanket of peace.  After I finished at the temple, I took just a few minutes to sit in the chapel before I left.  At that moment I allowed myself to think about Paul, and felt completely uneasy about it.  I actually felt turmoil- in the temple- it was so strange.  And then I had a line from my patriarchal blessing run through my head over and over again.  This particular line described in detail some personality traits of my husband, and I realized at that very moment that the man it was describing was not Paul.  Not yet anyway.  After a few more minutes, I left.  All morning long I felt completely lost and pure turmoil. I read my patriarchal blessing again, and then felt the real need to break up with him.

Later that afternoon I felt prompted to talk to my roommate, who had just broken up with her boyfriend for some similar reasons.  I felt horrible going to her at a time that she was grieving, but I couldn't shake the need to talk to her.  Finally, I told her EVERYTHING.  She gave me some advice and left for class.  I took her advice and instead of going to class, went to the temple grounds to pray about it.  I had a good conversation with God about it all, and made up my mind to break up with him.  Immediately I felt complete peace, and knew I was making the right choice, but still wasn't sure that I wanted to follow through with it. He had become a great friend to me, and I was really falling for him.  Later that afternoon I recieved a blessing, in which I was told that the Lord was proud of me for being willing to put my trust in Him and to follow through with His plan in mind.  I decided to wait at least 24 hours, and told the Lord that if I was making the wrong decision, then I needed him to stop me. 

Being with Paul wednesday night was possibly one of the hardest things I had to do, because I didn't really want to freak him out by telling him how I had been feeling all day, but I also didn't want him to feel lied to later.  The good thing about that night is that he had spent the day with his aunt, who had asked, "So, is this the girl that you're going to marry?"  He said he didn't know, and she asked, "well have you asked [God] yet?"  "No."  I used this as an opprotunity and said, "well maybe you should, and perhaps in conjunction with praying you could also read your patriarchal blessing."  I was hoping that maybe he would get the same feeling about me.  At the end of the night I kissed him goodbye and shut the door and immediately thought, "I'm gonna break his heart." 

Thursday some things happened that made me feel as if he were being possessive of me, and I NEVER want a man who is not my husband to be possessive of me, and even with my husband- I never want him to be that possessive.  I went home and called my mom and told her how I was feeling.  I then talked with the man who gave me the blessing the day prior, and knew I had to break up with him sooner rather than later.  I did so on Thursday night. 

On my way over to his apartment, I said a prayer explaining that I needed His help.  I needed to be able to have the spirit there and that I needed help to be able to have my words and thoughts come out in a way that conveyed how I felt, but was in no way attacking.  I also asked that if it was possible, that he would understand.  It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do.  I really do love him, and it was so hard how to explain how I was feeling, because I couldn't.  I told him I would love to try dating in a few months, but for now we need to figure some things out apart from each other.  But in the mean time I would love to be friends- I'm not friend-zoning him, but I am saying I want to take a break and let our friendship grow.  Then the most hurtful thing that I could have heard at that very moment came out of his mouth, "I don't think we can be friends,"  I knew that this was a possibility, but I didn't really expect it from him.  I left feeling a lot of peace.  But that didn't mean that there wasn't any pain there, I hurt in a way that I never had before.  And then I began to feel numb, which is the way that I have felt ever since, until today.  The depression is starting to settle in now.  

I have seen immediate blessings come because of this.  Friday morning I had a test that I hadn't had time or the focus to be able to study for on Thursday, luckily I had studied a little earlier in the week.  I did all that I could Friday morning to cram, but eventually I just had to kneel and ask my Father in Heaven for help.  I explained to him that I had done what I was feeling prompted to do, and that I was struggling now.  I asked Him that he would bless me according to my righteous desires and actions,  I asked that if it were His will that I would be able to remember the things that I had studied, and the things that I had learned from attending class and my homework- I didn't want him to pass the test for me, I just needed to be able to remember the things that I had studied.  I was prepared to have this be the one test that I could drop for the semester, however it ended up being my highest score.  I consider that a direct blessing.  I'm so grateful.  I also recieved an apology from him for not acting like the gentleman that I have come to known him to be. He wants to talk- I'm not ready yet.  But I will someday soon.  Perhaps not today, or tomorrow, or even the next day but soon.  I need to let the pain and slight anger subside first. 

So I titled this blog change, and if you're still reading (I'm impressed), you're probably wondering why.  Well you see, I have seen so much change come about in myself in the last few months.  In December, I wasn't even temple worthy, let alone would I go there to seek answers to my turmoil over a boy.  I would have likely pushed a side all the conflict, and continued to date him against my Heavenly Father's will.  There is no way that I would break up with a boy because I loved him, and needed him to do the same.  I wouldn't have been praying so intently about it either.  I wouldn't have been mature enough to handle the situation as I have.  I have changed in just the last few months, and it is SOOOOooooooo good.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I've changed and how great that change feels to me.