I finally admitted that I had a problem to my bishop about two years ago. And about a year and a few months ago I began going to recovery meetings. Since then I have striven to get clean- I can't say that I'm there yet, but I sure am trying. In my recovery I've made many friends. I've met many people and have had the honor of being support for them. Tonight I want to share my thoughts with someone who may be just beginning on the path of recovery.
Dear Fellow Addict and Friend,
My name is Mel and I too am an addict. I have struggled for years with my addictions and have just recently began to actually get better. Trust me, I know the ins and outs of addiction. I know about the lies that you tell to cover up what you're doing. I know about living a double life, and about living a lie. I also know about the relief that comes when you finally gain the courage to tell someone the truth, to admit that you're struggling and that you don't know what to do. I understand the depression and devastation that sets in when you relapse. And I completely understand the fear. Fear that someone will find out, fear of people not wanting to be around you when they find out, fear of losing your family, fear of yourself, and fear of your next relapse. I know and understand these things because I have lived it. I do not understand EXACTLY how you feel- and will not pretend to, but I can try to relate. I wish to share with you tonight some things that I have learned.
The first thing that I wish to discuss is a success. When you have admitted that you have a problem and tell someone, a friend, family member, ecclesiastical leader, counselor, about your problem you are one step closer to recovery. That is one incredibly hard step to take. You ought to be commended for the courage that it took to admit that. It's hard, and it's scarey, but you are now one step closer to getting better.
Secondly, I want to tell you that although some can quit cold turkey, not all can. I definitely didn't- heck I still struggle with the temptations to use, I just don't act on them anymore. Many are afraid of their next relapse after they admit that they have a problem and want to change. This is hard to deal with and this is also something that we addicts refer to as white-knuckling. Try not to think so much about the addiction, but rather about one moment at a time. If you do relapse, do not see it as a failure. Use it as a springboard. Use the experience to identify triggers in the proceeding hours, days, weeks and even months. Look for things that may have caused you to feel like you needed to use. Some common triggers are Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, being Tired (AKA HALT) and I like to add an S and say stress. Look at the relapse and see what you can do better to avoid that next time. Do I need to change my environment, or friends? Do I need to be more productive? Do I need to learn to delegate so as to avoid stress? Perhaps, next time I feel the urge to use I could ____. (fill blank with positive activity like calling a friend, or playing sports) If you learn from your last relapse then it is not a failure- it is a learning experience. That being said, that is NOT an excuse to relapse.
My next topic is also kind of about relapse. Do NOT sabotage yourself. Don't give yourself permission to relapse. Don't say well I've been clean for two weeks so, I deserve a relapse. I know you wont exactly say I deserve.. but an addict will candy coat those words and twist it into something else. Something that I have caught myself doing shortly after a relapse is saying well, if I'm going to restart then it wont hurt to use just once more. I'm restarting anyways so I'll just restart a few hours later. That is NOT okay. Instead try to use positive self talk and say something like okay, I made a mistake but what am I going to change next time I have this urge? What were my triggers? How am I feeling, how was I feeling before my relapse? What trends do I see in this relapse along with my other ones? How can I change those trends?
Friend, something that I did a lot for the first few months was I labled myself as an addict. With that I associated that I didn't deserve love- because in my mind that's how I saw people who used. I caution you, DO NOT LABEL yourself. It is okay and actually really important for your to acknowledge that you made some mistakes and that you need help to overcome an addiction but do not become the addiction. Be __(insert your name here)__.
That being said, I have said many times that it is important for you to admit that there is a problem. Do not try and hide your addiction. Remember, "you are only as sick as your secret." I don't know about you but I don't want to be sick anymore, I want to recover from my addiction and so I share with those whom it is appropriate to share with. You don't have to tell everyone, in fact not everyone needs to know what your addiction is or even that you have an addiction. I will be honest, I often will admit to being an addict, but I do not openly share what my addiction is to just anybody- I haven't even done so on this blog- because, honestly, you don't need to know. It is important to admit to your recovery group, your counselor, ecclesiastical leader, and your spouse that you have an addiction and what it is. You do not, however, need to post about it on FB, twitter, or share it with your congregation. Learn to respect yours and others boundaries, and learn when it is appropriate and inappropriate to share. This is the way I normally deal with this: I have made a pact with myself that if anyone asks me straight up about it that I will tell them that I am an addict, or if I feel prompted by the spirit I will also share. I never offer what my addictions are. If they ask, I sometimes will share and other times will simply reply, I appreciate your concern but sorry, I don't really feel like sharing that information right now.
Use tools. If you want to build a fence you wouldn't use only a hammer as your only tool to build it. You would use a myriad of other tools to help you so that it becomes a good sturdy, strong fence that does its job effectively. This is so in recovery as well. As you continue to recover you will gain many tools. These can be ideas and strategies to help you train your thoughts, friends, advice, and many other things. Something that has really helped me is books. Educate yourself on your addiction. Learn what it is doing to your body and brain. The brain is fascinating- a CT scan of your brain can actually show that you're an addict in the way that the chemicals react and the way your brain is wired. Use service as a tool. Learn what worked for others. Don't be afraid to ask your recovering friends for what works for them- share your successes with various tools.
A tool that I suggest that EVERY addict uses is counseling. Addicts often don't think like normal people. Often our thought processes can become erratic and irrational, and we need someone to help us see how things really are and to help give us some tools that can help us overcome our addictions. Counseling can help with that. Now, I know counseling can be scary. It can be very scary to tell a stranger about our struggles and about our lives. I understand this. The very first time that I went to counseling as an adult (I was 19) I went because a roommate, who worked in the counseling center, suggested it. I went in on the counselor's first day of working for my college and probably scared her half to death. I was her first and only appointment that day and started off by saying, "Hi, my name's Mel. I hate counseling and I don't trust ANYONE," and then I sat down. When I walked out of her office a few months later I found myself able to say that I liked counseling and that I can trust people. It took me a lot of work to get to that point, but it was probably one of the best things I could have ever done. It helped me get to a point where I liked myself and where I could be TRULY happy.
Don't worry I'm almost done- I know this letter is getting rather long.
One last tool that I would encourage you to use- especially in the early stages of recovery is the buddy system. Find someone that you can trust, preferably another addict who may be further along in recovery than you and have a system set up. You could use a code word that means help or I need to talk. You could have a texting system set up. One way or another you need to be accountable to one another. If you relapse tell your buddy. If you feel like you're struggling with lots of triggers tell your buddy. If you just need to talk about something that is weighing down on you then tell your buddy. My only word of caution is to ensure that you do not become co-dependant on this person. That means that you give as much as you take- keep a balance. This has been very helpful for me during my recovery and has given me extra strength when I needed it most.
My dear friend, recovery is not easy, I will not lie to you. But I will promise you that it is WORTH IT. It will help you become happier and live a more enjoyable life. It puts you back in control of your life. I hope with all my heart that you will know and understand that as many times as you want to give up, you cannot afford to.
If I could offer only two pieces of advice to you, I would say first be honest with yourself, and secondly, pray not just everyday but often. Prayer changes things. I pray everyday for another 24 hours of sobriety and for the strength to overcome the temptations that come, and I also pray for others in my group,by name, who may be struggling that they will have the strength. If you want to change, start changing things about your daily routine, by changing that you will change your day and that will change your week, which changes your month and your year. Success comes from changing your daily routine. Prayer should be a part of this routine.
I love you, and your Father in Heaven loves you. I am cheering for you. What you are doing is hard, and I am proud of you for having the courage to do hard things! Keep going, keep your head up! You can do it and you will recover! I'm not perfect, and neither are you, but I know that we can both learn from our imperfections and recover!
Love, your friend and supporter,
Mel
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