The first time we talked, I was a bit apprehensive, but it didn't take long before I trusted him with things not even my best friend knew. I think this is when my best gal pal and I grew apart, and He and I began to be best friends. This was the beginning of something unforgettable. Talking at school turned into texts and phone calls. My apprehensiveness turned into excitement and giddy at the sight of him or his text messages. Soon it wasn't just school, but we'd hang out after school, and actually became really good friends. Best friends. I told him everything, and I'm pretty sure he told me everything also.
I definitely can't forget that day in February when he held my hand early in the morning at breakfast and later held me close to his heart. And I won't forget that first kiss, the kiss that started it all. I can't forget how right it felt, and how magical it was. I can't forget our long walks and conversations about everything and nothing. I loved just walking by the river with my hand in his. And I LOVED our place. :)
We had some pretty awesome times together. Swimming, elevators, music, concerts, holding hands during assemblies, and lunches together. Prom, dates, and flowers (roses and daisies of course, who knew that he would know my favorite flowers). It was all like we were on top of the world. And in a way we were, we had some awesome times!
We also had some rough times. Times when I couldn't say what I was thinking, times when we both made mistakes, times when we hurt one another, and times of un-surity.
But one thing we were sure of: we were going to get married. After his mission, after we both started school. We talked about it a lot! We were going to be married and everything was suppossed to work out perfectly.
Except when it didn't. Because in all reality nothing is perfect. Not even him, I loved his flaws. But our flaws together, could never work out.
Who knew that trip with my brother would change my life. FOREVER. I had the hardest time forgiving myself for breaking his heart and mine own. I knew that I had to break-up with him, and I was so sorry for doing that to him. I really did love him so much. As complicated as it may seem, that is so, so true.
I can't say it didn't hurt. I can't say that I didn't cry for hours. I can't say that it didn't hurt when he hooked up with her only a week and a half later. I can't say that I still don't hurt a little bit about it. I can't tell you that I can visit our place, or the paths we walked so often and feel no pain or regret. (I don't regret the relationship, but sometimes I regret the break up.) I wish I could say that I don't think of him often, but the truth is that he crosses my mind almost everyday.
But what I can say is that I am better because of it. He made me a better person. He made me responsible. He made me happy, truly happy. And he encouraged me to do things and try things that I never had before. I love him for it, and I still love him. He's on his mission now, he's out becoming the man that he was born to become. He's being the man that I always knew he was. And for that I am very glad.
It's taken me a very long time to open up these old wounds and be okay with it all, and not cry about it and not regret it. Today, I found myself able to open those wounds and be okay with it all. It's been two long, and hard years but I think I'm finally getting over him.
No, I will never regret the good times that we had, and I will never regret getting back together with him after that heartless breakup (sadly, I had to tell it how it was, and be very blunt- thus making me heartless). The person that I have become, because of him, was worth all the heartache and pain.
No, I'm not like some girls and hate the guys I've dated. I still love him, I just love him differently than I once did. He's a good man, and he will make a great husband and father for some lucky woman someday, but I no longer see myself as a part of that, and I'm glad because he deserves better.
Wow. This was amazing to read.
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