Wow, what a rough week. I've mentioned before that I have depression, and that about two months ago I went off of the medicine. Talking about my depression is extremely hard for me, but I think I'm ready to finally talk about it. I know that one of the only ways I'll ever be able to come to terms with it, is to talk about it.
This last week it feels like one thing after another came. First, it was the thoughts that I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough, no one wants to be around me kinda thing. Next, it was the stress of school, and everything that's going on and what to do about my social life but still do well in school. Then, money became the issue. After that boys and roommate frustrations. So on and So Forth. It seemed to me that it was just thing after thing after another thing. It felt like the world was just weighing me down and finally when all the stress gave way I hit my big down.
At first, I started withdrawing. Then, I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. Next, came the calm before the storm but after the clouds. And then came the storm, I spent the whole day in bed, I didn't want to be around anyone or do anything, even with my best friends. I stayed in my room the whole day, didn't eat much or talk much. At some point during the day, I started getting slightly suicidal. However I knew that that was the wrong way to handle this. I knew it wasn't an option. I guess I scared my roommates pretty bad when I finally got up the courage, while they were gone, to leave and go take a test.
By the time I got out of the testing center I had a voice mail from our bishop, at which point I KNEW they had said something. I came home to find that all my roommates were gone, they had gone to some ward activity. I looked at the whiteboard and noticed something new. It was a name and a phone number, a name that I knew. Allen Riggs, a school counselor at my college. He was the LAST person I wanted to talk to.
At this point, I began to understand how dark the place I was in, really was. I vowed to get out of there. I went to my room and began reading by scriptures, only to find that my thoughts were racing. When my roommates came home, I decided I was going to hang out with them. Finally we talked about what happened. I had scared them all pretty badly, they all had called their moms for advice. I know they were only concerned and let it go.
The next day was better, but the day after that I had another rough patch. The whole day was pretty good and then the evening came and two different times someone did something that just irked me to no end. Finally, to channel my angry energy into something good, I started doing the dishes. A few of my roommates saw what I was doing and helped me out. As soon as we finished, unable to go be alone in my room, I went in the backroom and closed the door. I sat with the lights off and just thought. All I wanted to be was alone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just needed some time.
I think I must have scared my roommates again. They came looking for me. They all wanted to talk to me, but I didn't want to respond. You know it's bad when the elder's quorum president, who is more like your brother and a friend, comes back and knocks on the door. He said my name, and I told him to go away. He opened the door anyways and talked to me. I told him I just wanted to be alone for a little bit, he tried to get me to go for a walk with him, but all I wanted was to be alone.
He and my roommates left after that. After about ten minutes I went and got my keys and drove to the temple to think for a while. I got scared of myself again. I don't think the outsiders, who get afraid of a suicidal person, realize how afraid that person gets of themselves. The fear of not knowing why your body wants to kill itself, or knowing what you're capable of doing to yourself when you're in that state of mind is probably one of the scariest things I've ever experienced in my life.
I came back and was better. I called my mom the next morning and told her what was going on and that I needed to go back on the medicine. I told her how I felt. I explained that I felt like I didn't have full support from my family.
I began bawling, I knew that certain members of my family understand and know how hard this is for me. But there are other people in my family who do not realize that I've done all I can. I've tried changing diet and exercise, I read my scriptures and pray everyday, I keep the commandments, I've changed my friends so that there isn't anyone who is pulling me down. I've tried it all and yet they don't seem to get it. Certain members of my family criticize me for taking a drug to help me to feel happy and say that there are things that I can change. Those people were part of the reason why I went off of the meds. I've never felt like they've fully understood, how much this disorder runs my life, and how hard I've tried. I finally hit rock bottom. The stress of the whole situation just finally broke me down. I didn't feel like i could do it anymore.
I feel like I'm picking up the pieces, like I'm trying to put myself back together. I feel like each time I do this, like I'm building myself stronger. Maybe someday I will have built myself strong enough that this won't break me anymore. I know that this depression is going to be hard to beat, and I also know that I may have to deal with this for life. And if that's the case, I know that I'm going to have to come to terms with this and understand that it's just a part of who I am.
Picking up the pieces may be hard, but I know I've got to be strong. I know that if I ever need support that I've got the best mom and daddy in the world, who will back me up through it all. And also, my Heavenly Father. I also know that I have a few siblings who actually understand me and will support me through the thick and the thin of it all. In fact one of my sisters gave me the quote that I want to end with today. They've got my back. I love my family.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
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